Feeling Awkward

There is no age limit on feeling awkward.

I'm a gramma.  Five times now.  And there are still situations that make me feel like I'm still in junior high.  Where the popular kids shun me or make me feel shunned.  Where I'm somehow the odd man out.  Why is that? Do we never grow up? Am I one day going to get to the point that I'm one of the popular kids?

Oh, wait, I was one of the popular kids.  Way back when.  Doesn't matter. Really didn't matter then either, but REALLY doesn't matter now.  Ancient history.

My daughter and I talked about it last night, when we had a moment (sort of) alone.  Her hubby had gone to get something to eat and maybe find someone who wanted to talk about something other than baby.  Baby is super important but I think he might have been feeling a little claustrophobic.

"I felt really bad for you today," she said. 

"Why?" I asked.

"Everybody here has a connection and interconnections, and your only connection here is to me. You don't really have anyone here."

And that's when I told her that it was okay, in the hospital surrounded by so many people, friends of theirs and hubby's family, to be expected.  I didn't expect to have the connections or whatever, it's not a cocktail party, the focus was pretty much on the baby.

I did tell her that I thought it was rude the first night I was here, before the baby got here, when his parents showed up about the time we were getting ready to go out to eat and more or less invited themselves along. And don't get me wrong - I think they are great folks and I really like them.  I can't tell whether they like me or not because there is little that we talk about outside of our children and, now, common grandchild.  I sometimes think they wonder how such an amazing girl as my daughter came from someone like me.  But maybe that's just my current jr. high insecurity talking.

His parents showed up with a Christmas tree, which was great.  And, as I said, they came to dinner as well.  They paid for it, but that didn't make up for the fact that I wanted to spend some time with my daughter, just catching up, touching base, getting those wordless messages you get when she doesn't have her game face on.  With the in-laws there, the game face was on and I felt excluded. 

I sat next to Pooh, preservation of everyone's dignity I guess.  She has a tendency to draw attention, sometimes in negative ways, and I was REALLY trying to make this a good visit. Mother-in-law seated herself next to Dancer and proceeded to dominate one-on-one conversation with her.  HELLO MY TIME!  I was miffed but I don't think it showed to anyone but my daughter.  Really, I wanted time with her as much as I could without an audience of thousands.  I mean, I live five hours away, I'd made the trip with much effort.  If it could be just me, that would be easier to go back and forth, but it can't.  I just don't have anyone I trust to take care of Pooh several days running.  Which is MY OCD showing there, but whatever.

So there I was feeling like I was sitting with the popular crowd but being ignored.  Didn't want to embarass my daughter so.  I just let myself continue to be ignored and only brought it up last night when she mentioned feeling bad for me. 

It so makes me wonder what it would be like if it were the other way around?  Would the Mother-in-law get that junior high feeling when she visited?  I'll probably never know.